First Impressions
by live on
Summary: Near isn't used to emotions, and now the only person who could make him feel is gone. spoilers for end of series, slight NxM


**Disclaimer:** Death Note belongs to Tsgumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata.

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"_Near…I'm so sorry. I never imagined that Mello would…"_

"_No, it's fine. As long as L, Light Yagami, doesn't make a change in our plans, everything is fine. "_

But it wasn't fine. That had been hours ago and Near still felt anything from fine. He supposed that was the problem, feeling. He wasn't used to feeling. Near planned and calculated, thought things out and outwitted geniuses, but he had never had much use for feelings. Early on, he'd realized that being detached was the best way to go about life if he intended to get anything done properly, so this terrible hurt in his chest had taken him off guard. Near knew what sadness was. He knew a thousand synonyms for the anguish that had clung to him ever since he'd seen that TV broadcast. But knowing something didn't compare at all to feeling it.

This is illogical, he told himself. Mello hated him, had hated him ever since they first met. There was no good reason to be mourning for a dead man who in life had wanted nothing more than to best Near. But feelings, , Near was quickly learning, were not like thoughts. They couldn't be turned off or redirected whenever they proved to be unnecessary. Emotions stuck in his head and his heart like a dart in the wall. Before, Near's darts had always hit their mark. How unfair this all was.

Suddenly and unbidden, a whirlwind of thoughts entered his mind. One stood out. It had been years ago, but Near could still remember perfectly. The day he and Mello met felt so far away now, so pointless beneath everything that was going on now, but Near allowed himself to be swept off into his thoughts.

Thirteen years ago. Near had arrived at the orphanage in early evening and so had missed dinner and his chance to meet the other children. Roger had made a note of this while he showed the six-year-old to his new room, but Near didn't mind. He had never much cared for people of his age: they were loud and obnoxious, and regrettably prone to stealing his Legos and sticking them in equally regrettable places. It was much simpler to keep to himself and let them run around doing whatever it was they did. Besides, he'd yet to meet another six-year-old who could carry on a decent conversation for more than ten seconds before running off to play in the dirt. Near did not like dirt.

It didn't take him very long to get settled in to his new room. Near didn't have very many possessions aside from two pairs of pajamas and a few toys he'd managed to salvage from his old home. After he'd put them away in his new dresser it was growing dark outside, so Near had decided to go to sleep early so that he could be well rested for his first day at Wammy's. After plugging in the nightlight he'd requested from Roger, Near climbed into bed and curled up next to the wall while clutching a plastic robot to his chest.

Several hours later Near was awoken abruptly by exceedingly loud music blasting through the wall from the room next door. He blinked blearily, reaching up his hands to cover his ears against the noise while he hopped out of bed and crossed the room to the door. It must have been two in the morning, maybe later. Who on earth would be playing music at so late of an hour? Whoever it was would have to turn it down, Near thought as he stepped out into the hall and padded silently over to the next door. He wanted to sleep.

Near rapped sharply on the door, frowning a minute later when there was no answer. He knocked again, louder this time. A few seconds later the door flew open and Near shuffled back as a short blond boy stepped out into the hall. The boy glared irritably at him, "What?"

"Would you mind turning down your music? I was trying to sleep and it's very loud," Near said, twisting a strand of white hair around one finger.

The boy crossed his arms, staring at Near through a mess of pale bangs. Any other small child would have turned tail and run back into his room, but Near had yet to learn any form of people skills and so remained in the hallway. After a moment the blond scoffed and took a step closer to the diminutive figure on the ground before him. "Aw, is it? Well too frickin' bad," the older boy shot him a cruel grin and took a bite of the half eaten chocolate bar held in his left hand, "Who the hell are you, anyway?"

"My name is Near. Who are you?" Near said, giving the name Watari had assigned him before he'd been dropped off at the orphanage. It was a strange name, Near thought, but he kind of liked it. "And what are you doing at two AM that requires you to play your music so loudly?"

The other boy smirked, "That's a stupid name." He stated, then scowled. "Since you'll find out later anyway, I'm Mello. No 'w' on the end either, got it? I'm studying French, if you must know." Mello shot Near a smug glance, taking a vicious bite out of his chocolate bar. "That's a _language_."

Near smiled calmly and started back to his room, "I know. I've been fluent in French since I was five. Please turn down the music. _Bon nuit_."

Near hadn't gotten a decent night's rest for days after until Roger moved him to a new room on the other side of the dorms and Mello was given a week's detention for disturbing the peace. They'd been competing ever since. Or Mello had been attempting to best Near while Near easily beat him out at every turn. He hadn't been trying to prove anything to the blond. In Near's eyes, Mello had never been a rival or an enemy. Mello was the closest thing Near had ever had to a friend, even though the older man had devoted his life to being better. It had sometimes made Near feel almost sad. He couldn't help being smart; god knows his life would have been a lot simpler if he wasn't. But Mello had never understood, and now he never would.

Shaking his head, Near blinked and grabbed a blank puzzle piece from a pile on the ground beside him. He had work to do, a world to save. There was no time to be nostalgic when he had a psycho killer with a god complex to put behind bars. If Mello could see him now… Near snapped another piece into the puzzle. He would turn the music up and inform Near that he was a self-centered hypocrite who loved plastic toys more than people and would die alone and a virgin.

Near wondered why the thought of that never happening again made him so sad, and if Gevanni would possibly lend him his stereo system for a while.


End file.
